Tonight's moon is the Barley moon, a night to contemplate the cyle of life. Tonight also ends the first full day after confirming our miscarriage. It seems appropriate then that the full moon in all her round mother glory is obviscated by clouds tonight.

We have, in an instant, touched both life and death. While our baby was little more than a growing bit of life, I shared a few weeks with another spirit and that does leave an imprint. I do not believe her spirit is lost. I believe she may choose to return in a more viable vehicle, if that is part of the larger plan-- because of this, I dont grieve as deeply as I expected I would.

My grief is not tempered by a lack of time or the logic that an embroyo is only half a person. I grieve only for the loss of the dreams we shared, as a family. I grieve for the loss of being pregnant and sharing my space with another wonderful human being who has chosen to be our child.

And while this grief is real and whole to me, it is not all consuming. It merely points me to the future when the opportunity and dreams will again be ours to share.

In this, I realize that this is the peace that people's faith provides them in times of crisis. In affirming my beliefs on my journey to an outward faith, I feel that I have connected to that greater strength and that infinite wheel.

This is the first time in my life that I have been comforted fully by my faith rather than suspicious of it, testing it. For the first time, I have found my spiritual center and a place of peace. Blessed Be!

Today, I think complexity is an unavoidable part of age.

Common, and not so common, events in my life have reopened old emotional scars and resurrected fears I thought I had buried deep enough. But, for once in my life, I feel that the phrase "think before you speak" is just the tip of the iceburg. I think some of what I'm feeling should never be spoken at all.

When we are young, we say what comes to our mind. We do not care what others will think because we have no comprehension that what they think will be any different than what we think. As we get older, we watch what we say, ever cool, for fear that what we let slip will be turned as weapons against us in the terrible war that is modern adolescence. We find ourselves, and open again, convinced that those around us will accept us for who we are.

I don't know what happens next, however, because I'm still stunted and learning how to open. However, I realize that words are very delicate and dangerous things, even if they are never released. And I know that the things I don't say, won't say unless I'm cornered, will color all parts of me, becoming one of those historical experiences that makes me more difficult to understand or anticipate (and probably more difficult to deal with-- we'll see).

It's been one of those days. And the thoughts and feelings that have come of it will only pour into all the other histories, layering into who I am and coloring time going forward.

It's amazing how far we go, only to return to where we began.

Let Go
(5/5/03)

Run away
and take it back
take back the life you once knew
would be your own

Reclaim your passions
your wild abandon, your wonder
shrug off the mantle you've so eagerly sought
leaden and dark
and run naked in the sun
unencombered and laughing

wrap yourself in wine, the warm glow of infatuation
and chase this flight of fancy
sing the songs you've silenced needlessly

allow yourself to soften
let time move past without care
it was never yours to manage anyway

drift along with pleasure
appreciate, reciprocate
you'll only know it when you stop demanding it
and allow yourself to be moved

It's not as dangerous as you've believed
Let go
and discover who you have this chance to be