Tonight is the harvest moon, and for all the writing on it, I find the symbolism a bit too literal for a jumping off point, and my space a little too dark to feel thankful for the ‘bounty.’

One thing, however, is new to me, and intriguing. Apparently, the amount of daylight lost each day decreases briefly around the harvest moon, slowing ‘time’ and providing not only a brighter bit of moonlight but a little more daylight (relatively speaking) as well.

I don’t know what I’m harvesting right now, but it’s truly painful. And the extra ‘time’ provided to do so feels almost mocking. It feels like all the things I’m waiting for (a visit to my ocean, a break from the kids, news on a new job, a lightening of spirit, even my cycle) are all delayed, with time stretching longer than usual and making things unbearable.

Tonight’s meditation has brought a little insight, however, for better or for worse. Part of the harvest is the moving indoors- - with the last bounty pulled from the fields, there is the trading of gardens and orchards for kitchen and hearth. Historically, this would be the beginning of a time for rest and rejuvenation. And I think this is part I find most distressing, and until now I didn’t know why. I don’t feel at home- at home. I don’t find strength, or rest, or rejuvenation here. I don’t find ‘here’ a place of comfort. I don’t find ‘here’ home at all. In fact, I am often a stranger here, chastised and spent, with needs that aren’t met and generally assumed ignorant or excluded from things. For all my efforts I am without a home.

I’ve written here before about the role my home has played in my peace of mind and sense of well being. I am most sound when I can tidy my mind through order in my space, honoring the internal with external ritual. And I thought I was moving toward resolution, patiently watching for the pieces of my new prayer to present themselves in my new space. But how do you find a prayer for yourself in a place that isn’t yours? I see now that perhaps I squandered the summer with my efforts elsewhere, and am now sowing a disappointing personal harvest as a result - one of my most enduring emotional thorns is now all I’ve gathered from the fields- The last ‘home’ I had is now 1 year passed and 1500 miles away and I fear I will never see feel like that again. We have made family decisions, and I personal sacrifices, that will perpetuate the feeling of ‘otherness’ in my own life. As harvests go, this one is not exactly good for eating over the next 6 months.

Unfortunately, tonight’s moon has offered only questions, no answers. My deepening depression keeps me from reaching out to others, even those who own the space I so much need to reclaim. I am tired of having to ask for myself, my needs, to be recognized. I am tired of every twinge of pain I feel touching back to the move. I am tired of feeling like I’ve given away everything of myself to be here, in a place that does so little for me and makes me feel so small and disconnected. I am tired. And no extra daylight, no brighter moonlight seems to help. I only hope that the next month, and next moon, are a little more forgiving.